Watching the decline...

Tag Archives: Pain

This Is What White Supremacy Does To A Body (Graphic)

In the foreground this is Emmet Till, the young man, who in 1955 was brutally lynched and his body desecrated for what basically amounts to an alleged cat call.

A cat call that was just recently obliterated by the target.

This is Till’s destroyed body, which his brave mother and father insisted be on display. This is the human cost of believing that the dignity of a 14 year old boy was erased by his “race”.

This was 63 years ago. Within the lifetimes of at least half of congress and a good number of Americans.

And we expect no consequences from events like this. No memory of the butchering of a 14 year old boy because someone alleged that he spoke in less a way than our current sitting president has spoken about several women ON TAPE.

The killers were never brought to justice because of the same system that we have in place today.

63 years.

If you think that this kind of butchery should be forgotten and it has no relevance to the gunning down of kids that same age by that same system, I have no kind words for you, none at all.

A Message

Alien abduction stories have diminished in the last few years…

I wonder why.

We don’t give a fuck about each other anymore.

We don’t give a fuck that we are demonizing kids, both our own and those just yearning to breathe free.  We’ve created a MS13 factory by separating kids from parents in the vain effort to use them as playing cards in our xenophobic deck.
We’ve hardened our hearts to each other in our webspheres and countless subreddits.
We’ve said the we want to protect life, but only if its politically expedient.
We turn our backs on each other because of our races, languages and the places we live. If we knew, truly, where we’ve been, the politicized history of denial of entry to those we feel are degenerate or lesser. From the Irish, to the Jew, to the Arab and the Mexican, someone always has to be less than us. And don’t even start me on “forced immigration.”
If there really is intelligent life out there and somehow they have condescended to look at us as microbes in a petri dish, they are surely appalled at our lack of care for each other and the big brownish ball we live on. We’d better be happy they can’t see us or haven’t yet found us or we’d surely be wiped off the face of the universe with extraterrestrial Lysol. Good news is that we probably won’t feel a thing.

We’ve become the absolute worst measure of humanity, our better angels have been slain by the devils we’ve nurtured through ignorance and greed.

If we continue down this path, we deserve whatever we get.

I’ve seen this coming, its only going to get worse.

This Is Normal (unfortunately)

A few facts for anyone attempting to normalize what happened in Charlottesville by believing that all sides are truly to blame for the provocation of violence.

This is normal for our country. White Nationalism and White Supremacy are deeply ingrained in our culture. If you are a woman and you are trying to justify the violence by spreading the misinformed belief (peddled largely by the alt-right and its ilk) that somehow Antifa or BLM are racist organizations you should certainly read some of what these men write about you. Wehuntedthemamoth.com is a good place to start.

 

Racial violence has been perpetuated not only on people of color but their allies and friends as well. Homophobic beliefs are also part and parcel of these peoples agenda, so if you have any gay friends, they could be, have been and possibly will be targets of this hatred as well.

 

Oh and if you have any African American, Jewish, Latino or Arab friends or relatives, they hate not only them, but you as well because, by mere association, you are a race traitor and belong in the ovens with the rest of us.

 

I understand you feel that you’ve been victimized, marginalized and ignored. Instead of believing that you are the only ones and that your “people” don’t receive a fair shake, do some research, talk to anyone who has experienced an ism’ first hand and try to commiserate with your own experience. Again, if you are a woman, you should understand the feeling of being constantly on edge in certain situations and men’s eyes on you and the clear and present threat of sexual violence many of you have come to know firsthand.

 

These men have much the same mentality of privilege with people of color and individuals who are LGBTQ as they take with your body and your sexuality. The double standard applied to women’s sexuality the assumption that if you behave a certain way and dress a certain way or just are, is very similar to the assumption that because of the color of your skin or who you love, you are innately inferior.

 

The left/right dichotomy is a false one. It is nothing but a smokescreen to obscure the truth that anyone who, as their core belief, feels superior to others for some cultural, ethnic or racial reason will see the other is subhuman and therefore as you’d put an animal down, so they would a member of that group too.

 

We need to stop lying to each other and ourselves and realize that the strain of violence that is rising in this country has its roots in the belief that a group of people are culturally or racially superior to another group. We also need to stop lying to ourselves that this violence has not been at the very least been ignored and in many cases encouraged by a president whose ideological underpinnings are loose at best, as the wind blows at most. We need to stop lying to ourselves that our words and actions have nothing to do with the words and actions of others and we need to stop lying to ourselves that they and we are not a part of the same indoctrinate culture.

 

This is going to get worse, much, much worse before it gets better.

On Approval

Edited on 8/8 for glaringly obvious typos.

Have we just become a bunch of approval seeking heroin rats? Are we so wrapped up in other people’s lives that we forget to have our own? Why are we so able to share the intimate details of our lives with relative strangers on Social Media yet can barely look each other in the eye on the street.

We are so focused on getting our opinions across and our relationships “approved” that sometimes we forget the reasons we have relationships and beliefs in the first place. I love the people in my life, and I love to share them with my wider circle of friends but not at the expense of my relationships with them. I’d much rather have a relationship than the appearance of one.

Through trial and loads of error, I’ve learned that there are some pretty standard principals for governing yourself, and your image, online. I try my best to adhere to them as closely as life and occasional emotional upheavals, allow. Use what you find useful, discard what you don’t.

Love and Relationships:

If you want to share a happy moment, please do so, you shouldn’t have to worry about who’s watching, but if your “sharing” is covering up a flaw in your relationship, or worse, causing one, promptly stop. I have someone in my life currently whom I adore, no pictures of us exist online together. Not to say that they never will, but for the moment we are not on social media as a couple. This is a mutual choice. It is one that not only protects our relationship, but also our relationships with the rest of the world as individuals. Friends who know us as a couple see the hints, others just see us as people.

Politics, Loss and Assorted Other Opinions:

I’ve contemplated leaving, Facebook, in particular, sometimes, usually when the loud opinions of a few people drown out he animal videos, kitten pictures and real life cries for help from people I care about that need answering.

When someone loses someone they love, or a national event requires a collective sense of empathy that platform is a wonderful way to feel cared for and a bit less lonely, it’s no substitute for real arms and real tears, but it is a comfort.

When we suffer depression or a disease, this format is a perfect place to feel less alone in that, but it isn’t a replacement for a real ear or a real shoulder.

When the needs of a few people to be the center of attention crowd out the compassion (in my feed it’s not usually my friends, but THIER friends who do this), I seriously think of cutting the cord. Life is too short, don’t worry about other people’s happiness unless you intend on sharing it. And if you plan on sharing, do so with an understanding of the potential consequences, try to be gentle. People will be looking from the outside in, exes and friends who disagree with you. Unless you are passive aggressively trying to sever those connections, be understanding of how they feel or make it explicit that there will be something following that might hurt or offend. In other words, try to play as fair as you can.

Reactions to all of the Above:

Life is also too short to worry about people’s petty hatred. Sometimes the most reasonable argument can seem like a torch to a powder keg, or the slightest mention of a new relationship can be (of course) painful, but that is the cost of keeping oneself out on social media.

Don’t let anyone else’s fears and anger get you down and don’t believe that every single smiling face doesn’t have its share of pain.

Ultimately we present the face we want the world to see, in my case I’m living the vast majority of my life offline now. Life isn’t perfect, but it is damn good.

Happiness and Tension, A Study

The more I grow and the older I get the more I realize that happiness is not only relative but may be something unrelated to joy. Joy is the exuberance that follows a positive discovery of the world. The discovery of a new thing or a long forgotten emotion, the discovery of a long-lost feeling or a new vista, all are the fuel of joy.

Happiness is not joy. It’s not contentment, nor is it complacency, It isn’t hope or wonder, though it is a product of them all. Not alone. It is the product of the tension between opposites, the right balance between optimism and fear, a melding and repelling of opposites.

Happiness is what happens where our hope and our fear collide in equal measure. It is the point of homeostasis that occurs when love and hate exist in equal amounts. It is the in-between space where all hope meets all hope is lost. Happiness is the place where our greatest aspirations and our greatest doubts cancel each other out and create a space for us to live in the moment, unhindered by either.

Happiness isn’t a state for any short span of time, it is a long-term way of being that occurs in the moment and across time. It is transcendent yet it steadies us in place. It gives us glimpses of the 5th-dimensional beings perspective of the movies I mentioned in the last post. It removes us from the moment and secures us to it and because our perceptions are so limited we can only really feel it in retrospect.

Happiness is tension. Happiness moves us forward by being the swift, ever-present and ethereal force, the wind that we can’t see but feel when we pay enough attention or when it is strong enough to move us on its own. Happiness is where hot and cold air meet.

Happiness gives us an understanding of time and space that is not linear, not one point to another and not directly linked to our appointment calendars or datebooks. It expands our understanding of what the universe has to offer us, and what we contribute back to it. It connects us to the eternal and in brief glimpses gives us the shape of the face of “God.” Abstract like a psychedelic trip taken in millisecond doses spread throughout the average 28000 days or 672000 hours in an average lifetime, happiness exists in the eternity between moments.

I’m finding myself fearful and more hopeful lately, and therefore so much happier because I can feel both, fully, just this side of insanity. To me, that is happiness.

State of Love and Trust

A famous fictional mobster once asked “Would you rather be loved or feared?” well as far as the relevant question in our own lives goes I think the phrasing should be more, “would you rather be trusted or loved?”

It is a revelation when you truly feel trusted, it is also a potentially dangerous weapon/tool. I’ve shattered trusts with a word, casually, emotionlessly, and on one occasion vindictively, and I have kept trusts for lifetimes, never breathing a word of a secret spoken to me in a hush.

I believe that the balance of my keeping or breaking trusts errs on the side of keeping greatly, but the sting of the times when I have done the opposite still feels like a lash across my skin. It burns in a very particular way and when I move similarly, it breaks open afresh. Conversely, the secrets I’ve kept, the trusts I’ve held that have never been broken, I wear like internal badges.

To have trust placed in you as a means to share something delicate, a specific bit of information, a clue to a greater vista, is one thing and that thing is great, but to be truly, implicitly trusted is something entirely different and fulfilling.

So I guess the question isn’t simply would you rather be trusted or loved, but can you be trusted and not loved. Happily, I can say that I don’t think so. Being trusted IS being loved…..more. Being trusted with your nature and your soul is being loved in a way that no amount of “I Love You’s” could convey.

The loss of that, or the potential for it again, terrify me, as it should. But still, I welcome it.

Five Songs in Five Days, “Rend It.”

I love Fugazi.

I say that in the present tense not because I believe in the impossible re-convening of the band (but, ya know, it COULD happen) but because they will forever live in the present to me.

They and Husker Du, are two of the bands I will regret to my dying day never having seen live. But with both, I have all the recorded music, all the brutally beautiful jagged guitars and angular stop-start, post punkiness. In On the Kill Taker, IMO their best, makes this case with not a laggard song its 12 damn near perfect tracks.

Rend It, a literal begging for the rending of ones soul, gets deep under my skin. Its a plaintive cry for openness and raw emotion, very fitting for my mood lately.

Rend it, by Fugazi:

 

Turning the lens….inward

I think I need to stop externalizing for a short while, what I write is largely determined by what’s on my mind and politics really isn’t it at the moment. My inner life is looking a lot more interesting than what is going on in the rest of the universe.

The internal back and forth between my need to be attached to something else, a person or an idea, and my desire for individuality aren’t as much at odds with each other as they were just a few months ago, or a few weeks ago. I think I have found peace with the warring factions of myself in an unexpected way.

The way out, is the way in….

Stop The Emotional Roller-Coaster…I Want To Get OFF

So here’s the thing, even under the best possible circumstances, I’m rather susceptible to emotional fluctuations. Ups, downs, fucking circles….

Lately, though, especially in the last six or seven months my empathy meter is pegged at just fucking near peak. Songs that triggered a mild sadness are now pushing full on to a cry. Little things around me that happen as a matter of course throughout my day trigger emotional reactions that seem far disproportionate to what they should. I had to literally fight back tears a few minutes ago during my lunch break because I was watching a video about a movie near and dear to me and the relevancy of what was said nearly ripped my heart out.

I’ve been living with this hair-trigger cry reflex for a lifetime, more now than even and dammit I really want just a slight reprieve. I wake up raw, live my day raw and go to bed raw and exhausted.

Now, compared to being emotionless and callous, I’ll take this any damn day. But it’s so fucking unpredictable.

I think, right now in the world there is a balance of beauty and sadness, but the sound level on both is turned WAY UP! Everything is louder and to mask the sound of both lovers loving and babies starving, we have to turn our white noise receptors WAY UP as well.

I want to feel, I want to feel everything, so I guess I just got what I really wanted. I got the unfiltered raw nectar of life’s sweet, sweet hope and terror, life’s turned-up-to-11 pain and passion, life’s thousand cuts and multiple orgasms.

I really want to feel, just, sometimes, not this much.

 

P.S. I recommend all of Mikey’s videos. They will make you cry. Especially those for Interstellar and Serenity.

 

 

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